Therapy in Chester, NJ and Florham Park, NJ
Whether you’ve been married for 10 months or 10 years, your marriage could be falling into a rut, in desperate need of passion and happiness. Take a moment right now to pause the everyday routine and check in with your marriage. How are you doing? Do you need a little help? Well, the “doctor” is in, and I’m here to give you 10 essential suggestions to help keep your marriage healthy.
1. Honesty is the best policy – this should be the number one rule in your marriage. Establish an open-door policy for giving and receiving honest and respectful requests, suggestions, or needs. Make the effort to ask for what you need from your partner and be mature enough to take constructive criticism. Keep in mind that your partner is not a mind reader, so you must speak up for what you need to be happy in your marriage, and make the effort to really listen to your spouse’s needs.
2. Use "I statements" – relying on statements such as “you always…” or “you never…” to convey your message sets your partner up for being defensive and causes arguments. Instead, practice saying “I feel…” when talking to your spouse to keep the conversation honest and fair. Without the need to defend one’s self, your spouse can focus on listening to how you feel, and as a team, you can work together to find solutions.
3. Make time for the relationship – this is my twist on “date night.” Sometimes there isn’t enough time, money, or energy for many couples to have a weekly date night, and forcing it to happen may lead to more stress and arguments. Instead, decide to have a "couples night in" instead of a "couples night out. After the kids go to bed open a bottle of wine, put on some romantic music, light some candles and reignite that spark! By doing something special together on a weekly basis, you’re showing your spouse that your relationship is a priority.
4. Make time for the family – Just as it is important to create new traditions and memories together as a married couple, it is just as important to have quality family time with your kids. Again, this can be a simple tradition such as family brunch on Sunday mornings or ice cream desserts on Wednesday nights – whatever you all love that won’t get pushed to the side when life gets busy. We spend so much time telling our kids what to do and guiding them in the right direction but when you do special things with your kids you are building your whole family's relationship with each other and that's just as important.
5. Make time for yourself – take time each day for self-care (even just 30 minutes a day!) and check-in with yourself. Determine how you’re feeling and what you need from yourself, and address your needs. Remember, you are an individual, so you should continue to go on bike rides even if your hubby prefers swimming. Do you need a lunch date with your BFF? Does your husband need a poker night with the guys? It is important to keep your individual friends as well as your couple friends. When you are feeling refreshed as an individual there is more energy and happiness available for you to bring to your marriage. How can your marriage be healthy, if you’re unhealthy?
6. Give praise where it is due – don’t forget to say thank you, I love you, and I appreciate you and be specific! Tell your spouse when he or she did something that made you happy and they’re more likely to do it again because now they feel good about it, too. It can be easy to just assume that your wife will have your coffee ready for you when you wake up every day, but if she doesn’t feel appreciated for this small gesture of love, she may quit giving you your caffeine fix and other gestures that you might have been taking for granted. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!
7. Be open about your thoughts on your intimate relationship –in order to have a satisfying intimate relationship with each other it is really important that you discuss both of your expectations regarding intimacy and make conscious efforts to make each other happy. He may want to be intimate each morning, and she may feel that she would rather do it on the weekends. It’s okay to have different preferences but this is one area where it is important to compromise. Talk about how often, where, when, and everything in between – the more you talk, the happier you’ll both be.
8. Remember why you married him/her – things change drastically once you get married and start a family; financial stress increases, childcare becomes a priority, bodies change and age, careers can be booming or lacking. Through all of life’s stressors, don’t let it step in the way of you remembering why you married your spouse and everything that you love about him/her. I suggest doing this activity for one another to help you remember where it all began and how great your love has become (http://www.thedatingpas.com/holidays/valentines-day/open-when-letters/).
9. Never go to bed angry – many have differing views on this matter; is it better to sleep on the issue or talk about it before bed? If you push it off until tomorrow, your sleep may be disturbed and it may feel like it’s too late to restart the conversation. Instead, take a 5-minute break to calm your nerves before discussing the issue, and make sure you both feel you’re heard and come to a resolution before bedtime. You don’t have to always agree and sometimes you need to agree to disagree, but you do have to come to a civil agreement and support and respect one another.
10. Get help and go for a checkup – if you need help communicating or coming up with strategies to have a healthier marriage, or are considering separation or porce, please seek couples counseling and/or individual counseling. A new unbiased perspective by a professional can be refreshing and invigorating for a marriage that is stuck in a rut or constantly in conflict. As always, I am here to help!
Contact
Risa Simpson-Davis, LCSW
732-742-0329