Mother’s Day and Milestones: Finding Joy Through Change
There's always quite a unique buzz around Mother's Day. The weather begins to warm up (hopefully!) and it seems like there's a mad run on cards, gifts, and flowers galore as we prepare to give well-deserved kudos to the beloved matriarchs of our families. Mother's Day can be a joyous annual occasion to celebrate and honor our moms, but there are some years when the holiday approaches with a bit of apprehension. Milestone years tend to be the cause of these sometimes unexpected feelings, and it's normal and healthy to stop and take stock of the emotions stirred up by celebrating the first Mother's Day after a big life change such as experiencing a divorce, becoming an empty nester, or coping with the loss of a parent.
Six months after her divorce was finalized, Joan went shopping for a Mother's Day card for her mother when she realized that, by sheer force of habit, she was also picking out a second card for her former mother-in-law. Right there in the drug store aisle, Joan began to experience a tidal wave of emotion that she hadn't yet dealt with surrounding the loss of her relationship with her mother-in-law, who she had always gotten along with and her children adore. Also, realizing that this would be the first year that the whole family couldn't just gather at one house on Mother's Day, Joan went into a mental spiral, planning a projected itinerary so that she could make sure her children would get to spend equal time with both grandmothers.
This went on to stir up dormant resentment towards her ex-husband for never having taken initiative in planning family get-togethers in the first place. Before a greeting card had even been purchased, Joan had descended deep into a rabbit hole of anxiety and frustration towards the whole holiday and doubted that there would be room for her to enjoy any part of Mother's Day this year.
Let's face it- it can be really isolating to feel down in the doldrums when it looks like the rest of the world is gathering to celebrate. To avoid getting bogged down, here are a few things to consider that may help you get through this time of year:
- If your family is in a transitional mode, try to find a way to observe this holiday that doesn't add extra stress to the current situation. Thinking back to Joan's predicament, there is always next year to plan for the children to spend Mother's Day with the other part of their family. Maybe she can take that opportunity for a much-needed relaxing weekend away with friends!
- One day does not sum up the entire history of a relationship. If your adult children can't make it home this year, that doesn't mean that every year of Mother's Day henceforth will be the same, or that you've lost value in any way in your kid's hearts.
- If the family member who always made the plans every year is no longer able to do so, give yourself some liberty to start new traditions that include things you personally enjoy, such as cooking new dishes, hitting the spa, or seeing a movie.
- If you are feeling down and not in the state of mind to celebrate with your extended family the way you typically do, explain to them how difficult this year has been for you and that you need a time out. You don't want to go and bring others down by being in a bad mood and ruining the celebration. Although your family will be disappointed that you're not there hopefully they will understand and respect your feelings.
- It's good to be considerate of other people's feelings, but definitely ask for help for yourself when you need it. If you're having a hard time but feel worried about drawing attention away from your mother or another special lady on Mother's Day, pick one person from your network who you can rely on to be supportive and ask them for a few minutes of their time.
Keep in mind that you're probably not alone in feeling a little stressed or bummed out this time of year and that many people may also be in a similar situation but don't want to draw attention to themselves when the primary focus of Mother's Day is to show appreciation for someone else who is special to us. Try to give yourself the same grace as you would to others, and plan some part of the day to honor yourself for the contributions that you make to your family and friends. Wishing you a peaceful and relaxing Mother's Day!
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