Therapy in Chester, NJ
Talking to teens can be really difficult. Parents often try really hard to talk with their kids but are met with resistance… one-word answers, eye rolls, or complete silence. Like any relationship, communication is the foundation of positive interactions between you and your teen. But how can you talk to your kids when you can't GET them to talk? Below are a few tips.
1. Set the stage: Find a good time and place to talk to your kid. Sometimes it's better to start a conversation when you are already doing something else with your teen; eating dinner, driving in the car, etc. Try to avoid interrupting your teen doing something (even if that something seems unimportant to you) to have a conversation. If the goal is getting them to talk to you, set it up in a way that makes it more likely they will be open. It's also okay to schedule a time with your teen to talk ahead of time.
2. Start easy: If you and your teen aren't used to having deep meaningful conversations about what is going on in their lives, start out trying to have conversations about "unimportant" things. Even if you don't like video games, ask them about what kind of games they're playing, what is happening in their games, and what they are working on in them, etc. By showing interest in the "mundane" of their everyday lives and about what they like and dislike, you communicate that you care about them and build trust to work up to having conversations about more meaningful topics.
3. Use open-ended questions: Try to ask questions that make it difficult to give one-word answers. For example, ask your teen "what is one good thing and one bad thing that happened today at school?" rather than "how was school?" Keep asking questions and show genuine interest in what your child is saying.
4. Monitor your reactions: Lots of times kids don't talk to their parents or aren't honest with them because they are afraid of their reactions; they are afraid their parents will be angry or that their parents will "worry" about them. Try to monitor how you react to what your child is saying. What are you communicating to them about what it is they are talking to you about? The most important thing about monitoring your reactions is being honest and accountable. You might get angry or upset or worried about things your child tells you, be honest about how you're feeling and be accountable to how you handle it. Recognize that if you react very negatively to what they say, they might not be as open to talking in the future.
5. Pay attention to your body language: Be aware of "conversation stoppers." If your child is talking about something that is bothering them and your roll your eyes, say it's not a big deal, and brush it off, they are less likely to talk to you about things that bother them in the future. Even if you don't think it's a big deal that their picture didn't get enough "likes" on Instagram, recognize that they live in a different world then you and it's a big deal to them. Make sure your reactions are communicating empathy, even if you don't understand what your kid is talking about.
6. Be honest and open to suggestions: Let your teen know that you want a better relationship with them. Let them know that you think talking more often with them will help with that. Ask them if they have any ideas about what could improve your relationship with them and make it easier for them to communicate with you. An overwhelming majority of teens WANT a better relationship with their parents, but are afraid to ask or don't know how to. Since both you and your teen want a better relationship with one another, work as a team. Reframe the situation for both of you from "I'm trying to get my kid to talk to me" to "we are working together to have better communication with one another."
7. Recognize that sometimes your kid might not want to talk: Sometimes you don't feel up to talking so sometimes your teen might not either. Don't get mad at them; respect their wishes and your teen will respect you more and be more to open talking to you when they are ready. Being open and flexible shows that you care about how they are feeling.
8. Listen: This is the MOST important thing you can do to get your kid to talk to you. Listen to them. REALLY listen to them. Hear what they have to say, show genuine interest. You don't have to solve all their problems for them or give the best advice. You just have to show that you care about them and what they have to say. Think about what it means to be a good listener. Think about how it feels to really be "heard." Just like any person, your teen is much more likely to talk if they feel like the person is listening.
It can be tough to get your teen to talk, especially if there is already an established pattern of not talking. It can be a difficult pattern to break, but utilizing these tips can help. And of course, if you need assistance, we are always here.
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!