Therapy in Chester, NJ
There's no way around it- the holidays are a stressful time! Between all of the shopping, wrapping, cooking, travel, and generally close proximity to extended family members, it's no wonder why fuses run short this time of year. A great deal of strategic planning goes into pulling off the holidays with your family, and unfortunately, major changes like a divorce can add further complications galore.
While many divorced couples may have hammered out the family's holiday plans in their custody agreements years ago, with every passing year the dynamics may change warranting new negotiation. When children grow older, they may have stronger attachments to spending time with certain cousins or staying close to home to be with friends. When kids go off to college, there may be challenges that arise with travel planning and limited time frames for visiting. Even in the most amicable of divorce circumstances, any of these scenarios can upset the family balance and disrupt what seemed like smooth sailing in the co-parenting relationship.
Andrew and Stefanie had been formally divorced for 6 years since their daughters were 7 and 4 years old. Since then, the details of the holidays had been squared away in their original custody arrangement. The kids would spend Christmas Eve and morning at Andrew's house, then join Stefanie at her mother's house for Christmas day. This was also the year that the kids would spend the entire Christmas week with Stefanie. They alternate every year.
This plan seemed to work just fine for the whole family until this year, when Andrew's brother, who had just had a new baby with his wife, invited Andrew and the girls to visit them across the country on a ski vacation for the whole week of the holidays to celebrate Christmas and meet the newest addition to the family. Further complicating this was the fact that one of the daughters, now 13 years old, had maintained a close relationship through social media with her 14-year-old cousin who would also be attending the ski trip. She really wanted to go on this trip to spend time with her and was also looking forward to meeting her new baby cousin. Needless to say, Andrew felt extremely uncomfortable and conflicted about asking Stefanie whether she might consider revisiting the holiday arrangements for this year.
Their divorce had been generally amicable for several years now, and he was worried about opening ancient points of contention. He also had always been fond of Stefanie's mother and knew how much it means to her to spend the holidays with her grandchildren.
Finally, Andrew decided to call Stefanie and explain the situation. He asked her to think about it for about a week and then let him know her thoughts. When she got back to him, she did express that she had felt annoyed by the idea of changing the holiday arrangements, but she knew how much their daughters wanted to see their cousins and meet the new baby. She agreed that this was an important opportunity for them to connect with their family on the other side of the country and consented to the trip but requested to have the children exclusively this year for Easter so that they could spend an extended amount of time with her mother. Although it was an emotionally complicated situation, both parents ultimately chose to prioritize the best arrangement for their children.
If you are finding yourself in a tricky situation where you are feeling weary about co-parenting with your ex-partner during the holidays, here are a few tips to keep in mind to help you breeze through to the New Year:
1) Just like your kids do in their letters to Santa, ask for what you want this year. Remember to ask and not demand! Put your kids first. If you have a vision of a plan for the holidays that would make the kids happy and decrease logistical stress, communicate it clearly to your former spouse. You aren't guaranteed to get your ideal response, but your chances will be greater if you are clear about your wishes rather than hoping that things will work out based on assumption.
2) Do your best to keep any disagreements private between the two of you. Most of us tend to become a little more sentimental this time of year, and the memory of having arguing parents during the holidays can be negatively internalized by children.
3) Even if you have completely different values as far as how you would like your children to celebrate, young people, thrive when they feel loved and supported by both of their parents. This may mean going the extra mile to be accepting of your ex's family traditions and beliefs as an important part of your child's life as well.
4) If you find yourself in a position of having to compromise, rather than fixating on feeling disappointed it may be best to remember that the holidays are a time for you to celebrate and relax, too. Start a new tradition by treating yourself to a dinner party with friends or a special spa day with a close family member. There really is no right or wrong way to do the holidays!
Always remember that this time of year stirs up many different feelings for us all, regardless of your relationship status. If you find yourself struggling with the holiday blues, you can always reach out and connect with one of our therapists for support.
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!
Happy Holidays to you and your family, and a very happy New Year!