Therapy in Chester, NJ and Florham Park, NJ
A box of your favorite chocolates or a bouquet of your favorite flowers… an adorable teddy bear or a special surprise date night on the town… nothing's better than celebrating Valentine's Day with your partner, right?! If only things could be that beautiful and simple.
For as long as we can remember Valentine's Day has been marketed as THE day of love. THE day to shower (and be showered) with gifts. THE day to prove your love to your partner, and THE day to celebrate the love that you and your partner share. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of these things, and the sentiment of this holiday is a beautiful one, year after year, thousands of couples and individuals end up in tears, conflict, and disappointment due to the extreme pressure of Valentine's Day. Between unmet expectations, unfulfilled desires, and feelings of unworthiness and underappreciation, it's time we start making positive changes in our lives and relationships to finally get Valentine's Day we want and deserve!
Mary and Matt fought every Valentine's Day. Having grown up in a very traditional Colombian household where romantic gestures are the norm, Mary witnessed her father decorate their house each year on Valentine's Day with rose petals, candles, and chocolates before her mother got home from work. After eating the gourmet meal her father would cook each year, her parents would then head to the fanciest hotel in town for a one-night staycation to celebrate Valentine's Day. It was a tradition her parents had kept up all 30 years of their marriage.
Matt was the youngest of seven children. A first-generation American, whose parents had migrated from Russia right before the second world war, Matt watched his parents struggle to make ends meet. Between the long working hours and poor wages, his parents fought every night under the constant pressure to make a good life for their kids… and it was only a matter of time before his father walked out on them, leaving his mother to raise their seven kids on her own. Working 80-hour weeks to try and support the family, Matt's mother was never home. And when she was, she was resentful, bitter, and cold. As you might imagine, the only experience Matt had with Valentine's Day was the cheesy commercials he saw on TV growing up.
Despite their differing backgrounds, Mary and Matt had a wonderful relationship. The two had been together for 5 years now, and they were expecting their first child. Mary and Matt had barely ever fought… except each year, the week leading up to Valentine's Day, Matt seemed to notice Mary getting short-tempered and emotional. He never quite understood why she always seemed so distant, but he tried to brush it off - assuming he was just overthinking it. After all, she had never said anything to him about it, so she must've felt the same way, right? Matt never thought twice about Valentine's Day. To him, it was just a silly day that was used as a marketing scheme.
Though she knew Matt loved her, Mary couldn't help but get upset each year on Valentine's Day. Why couldn't he at least write her a nice card? Or take her to dinner? Isn't that what all couples did? She so badly wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day with her husband the way she had seen her parents celebrate it, but she knew how he felt about it and felt awkward saying anything to him. Each year she secretly hoped he would surprise her with flowers or chocolates, but every year ended in disappointment.
Unfortunately, Mary and Matt are not the only ones who end up with more tears than smiles on Valentine's Day each year. To celebrate Valentines Day this year without the pressure, here are some tips to keep in mind:
1. Before Valentines Day arrives express to your partner what Valentine's Day means to you and why. How did you celebrate it with past partners? And what did you like best about those times? What did you like least? How did your friends and family celebrate growing up? Do you like giving and/or receiving gifts? Ask your partner to do the same for you. It's always helpful to have context and to understand where your partner is coming from.
2. It might feel awkward to do so, but there's nothing better than simply expressing your wishes and desires for your ideal Valentine's Day! It's more likely than not that your partner just doesn't know what to get you, but in reality, he/she just wants to make you happy!
3. Once this all becomes an open discussion, offer gift ideas and realistic solutions to lower the pressures of your partner finding you the "perfect gift." Help your partner help you, and you do the same for them! Both parties will feel happier (and less stressed!) in the end.
4. Remember that Valentine's Day is just one day out of the year. And one day can never truly encapsulate the love that you and your partner share. Keep things in perspective. It is perfectly ok to still have desires and things you want to celebrate, but try not to take anything too personally if things don't go exactly your way. Try not to compare your Valentine's Day to your friends or others (or to how you've seen it on TV or in the movies). Everyone does things differently and it doesn't mean that their partners love them more than your partner loves you, etc. Remember all the amazing things your partner has done for you throughout your relationship and the special connection you two share!
5. Think of it as a day of celebration and gratitude of love - not fancy dinners, roses, and chocolates. Sure, these things can be nice and an added bonus - but that will never equate to the love you and your partner share.
Even if your expectations haven't been met, show your partner how much you love them. No matter what happens -let's not forget that Valentine's Day is about the celebration of love.
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!
Happy Valentines Day!