Therapy in Chester, NJ and Florham Park, NJ
When something is really good, we tend to hold onto it for dear life, especially when it comes to relationships. People are hardwired to desire human connection, so most can agree that they prefer to be in a relationship over being single. It feels like you've hit the jackpot when you find someone who you are compatible with, who you like, and who likes you back. Because of how happy you are about this rare finding, and how wonderful things are in the beginning or maybe for a while when the relationship goes sour, it is easy to try and convince yourself that this person is right for you.
All relationships have obstacles and difficult times. These are normal parts of a relationship that often promote growth. However, sometimes the issues become too big (to put it simply), and the partnership becomes toxic. If you find that you are working so hard to make this work, and it constantly feels like your relationship has become a very stressful job, it is important that you consider if this is right for you or if it is right for you because you don't want it not to be. Perhaps you don't want to lose someone that once made you so happy and that you've become so comfortable with having or maybe you are afraid to be alone and feel you may never find anyone else. While these thoughts are understandable, remember that sometimes the most difficult decisions, are the ones that can change your life the most - in a good way. Remember that not all relationships, just like friendships, are meant to be part of all of your life's chapters.
It is very difficult to let something go or to even admit that your relationship that you wanted to work so badly has become unhealthy. When you are so stuck in this job-like relationship, it can be very challenging to truly see it for what it is. Here are some ways to determine if your relationship has become a stressful job:
- Be objective. It's great to think about the good times; however, you can't filter out the bad. If you and your partner have tried to work through your relationship problems and nothing changes then it may be time to move on. Write everything down - the good and the bad, so that you can see it all on paper. Often when we see the bad right in front of our faces, or when we hear the bad out-loud, it can provide us with a lot of clarity.
- Pretend that you are your best friend, and she is going through what you are going through. What would you tell her? What would you want for her? Treat yourself with this same care.
- Write down your best qualities. 1) Is this who you are when you are around your partner - do these qualities shine? 2) If you are having trouble coming up with qualities that you like about yourself, this may in part be because your partner and relationship troubles have brought you to a place of lowered self-esteem and self-love, which is a definite sign that this relationship may be hurting you.
- Think about your day-to-day life. Are you usually happy or unhappy? What are the sources influencing either of these moods?
- Are you constantly worrying about every little thing when it comes to your partner/relationship?
- Do you often try to "fix" your partner?
- What do you need in a partner? Does the person you are with have those qualities?
Being with the wrong person can be much lonelier than being single. While leaving your partner may sound gut-wrenchingly difficult, remember that you are strong and will be fine. People go through breakups all of the time, and if they can survive, so can you. Not only will you survive, but you will eventually thrive. You deserve joy and love and a partner who helps bring out your best self. If you found love once, you can find it again - you never have to settle for anything that is bringing you sadness and distress.
Is your relationship working or are you working too hard to make your relationship work? If you are having difficulty deciding and are at a crossroad I am always here to help!
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!