Therapy in Chester, NJ
Adolescence tends to involve comparing oneself to others and having a heightened desire to fit in, which often means a lot of "I want's" coming from your teen. Teens do not always know how to see and appreciate the good, especially when they are so focused on getting what they need or want in order to feel like they belong (which is age-appropriate). For e.g. this could mean wanting the latest technology, the most popular designer purse, or one more color of the expensive sneakers you've bought for them. It's a constant asking for more and it doesn't have to be about material things either. It could be asking to stay out past 11:00 pm because "all their friends do" or about one more ride to the mall after you've already been their "uber" driver all day.
This time of year especially may involve some more wanting and asking since the season of gift giving and receiving is almost here. But before we get there, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and besides eating that delicious turkey it's also a time to reflect and be grateful. Here are some tips on how to help your teen become more focused on gratitude:
- Talk to them. Have an open and honest conversation about what gratitude means - point out the things that they have; talk about the wonderful things in their lives - i.e. "you are so fortunate to have such awesome friends," or "you are blessed to go to a school where you get to play soccer," or "we are all so lucky to have each other to spend the holidays with" or that "you are in good health."
- Don't be afraid to discuss what you do for them if you feel it is going unnoticed. Do this free of frustration and malice. Teens often take things for granted. Explain that you do these things because you want to and not because you have to and it would feel really good if they showed appreciation.
- Explain that feeling grateful yields happiness. The more thankful they are about even the smallest of things, the more joy they will feel. Look for the moments when you could point out to your teen that there is something to appreciate. For example, if you serve dinner, you could say something like, "isn't it nice that we all get to eat a home-cooked meal together tonight?" Remind them when it is appropriate to say "thank you" if they do not always do so.
- Encourage them to keep a gratitude journal - purchase a really cool journal - take them to the store and pick one out together - a good motivator is having something they look forward to using; try to incorporate other family members - everyone could do it.
- Play a "game" a few nights a week, maybe at dinner for example - go around the table and have everyone say their favorite part of their day. It forces people to see the good even if their minds weren't going to naturally go there.
- What is the silver lining? When something does not go their way, empathize with them - express that you understand what they are going through and how tough it must be. Then after validating their feelings ask them if there is another way to look at the situation. This was they can learn "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". Help them choose happiness after a hard time.
Leave room for autonomy. A significant part of adolescence is becoming more independent and discovering autonomy for the first time. Teaching them gratitude does not have to mean projecting your beliefs onto them - allow for the freedom for them to have their own as well, and to decide what they are grateful for. Maybe it's something silly like not having to sit next to the girl she doesn't like in class. While this is small and may seem snarky, this is important to your teen, and she is expressing her appreciation for this situation.
It's not about having things that others do not - so try to avoid saying things like, "other people would love to have what you have." Teenagers are trapped in a world of comparison, and part of being grateful is separating oneself from the comparing. Also, remember that teens are not yet adults - they may not share the same values as you, and they are likely not as attuned to noticing the things that you regularly notice and appreciate. They do not yet know that certain things are things to be grateful for - that it is a blessing to have a roof over their head, family, clothes, food, etc. These years are a wonderful time to teach them about the things that matter most.
At this time I want to thank all my clients for trusting me with their innermost thoughts and feelings. I'm so grateful that they have chosen me and my staff at Modern Family Counseling to help them live their best life.
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!
Happy Thanksgiving!