Therapy in Chester, NJ and Florham Park, NJ
Kissing under the mistletoe may not be on the agenda for many couples who are in troubled marriages. Being in a troubled marriage is difficult at anytime but the holidays can make things even worse. Whether the couple is feeling emotionally distant from each or facing more serious issues such as infidelity or addiction, the hurt, pain and loneliness are intensified. Couples may even be planning to separate or divorce but are putting it off until the New Year. So, how do couples survive the holidays when they are not singing "All I Want For Christmas is You..."? Below are some tips that I have given to several clients and ones that they have shared with me during our marriage counseling sessions to help them find some sort of peace during the holiday season.
- Choose to put your problems on the shelf and not talk about them until Jan. 2nd. Mary knew that Sam was unhappy about her spending habits and her disorganization. Sam knew that Mary was unhappy with him never being home and his unwillingness to help her around the house and with the kids. But, instead of having the same arguments over and over again without finding a solution they chose this time to take a "vacation" from their problems. Perhaps, they need to recharge and maybe they can gain a new perspective on their issues in the New Year. After taking a break their anger may have a chance to de-escalate and they may find new ways to meet each others needs that they haven't tried before.
- Nurture yourself. You may not be getting the love you need from your partner right now but you deserve to be loved. Treat yourself with love and kindness. It could be as simple as taking a bubble bath, drinking your favorite tea, listening to soothing songs, or getting a massage. Remember to surround yourself with close and supportive friends.
- Try and remember how your marriage survived the rough spots before and how you got through them before. See if some of those things may work again this time. Judy and Mike were married but living like roommates with very little communication or intimacy. They remembered that they have been in this lonely and distant place before and how things actually started to improve when their oldest son started having some issues at school. They were able to talk and problem solve together and the focus was off of their relationship. As they helped get their son back on track they realized how much they needed and supported each other during a difficult time and their emotional and physical connection started to improve.
- Focus on your children if you have them. They didn't ask for this or cause the problems the two of you are experiencing and they deserve a joyous holiday season. Try to make it as "normal" as possible for them and ask your spouse to do the same. Put up the tree, bake Christmas cookies, decorate the house and continue with the holiday traditions that they always enjoyed. You will feel joyful too, seeing your kids still being able to experience the holiday magic.
- Take one day at a time. Tell yourself that this is temporary and you are not always going to feel this way. Do what you can not to catastrophize and don't let ruminating negative thoughts rent space in your brain. Life is full of ups and downs and there will be light again at the end of the tunnel even though you may not feel that way right now.
- Have an attitude of gratitude. Focus on what you do have instead of what you don't. You may not have the ideal marital relationship right now but be grateful that you have wonderful kids, loving friends, a great extended family, a prosperous career, good health etc. This may not be the ideal holiday season for you but do what you can to enjoy it even if it's just a little bit.
If you or your marriage need help, whether it be surviving the holidays or after the New Year I am always here for you.
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!