Therapy in Chester, NJ and Florham Park, NJ
Few experiences are as rewarding as seeing the little birdies you've raised from chicks spread their wings and fly, whether they're on their way to school, getting married, or simply ready to support themselves and live independently. While many parents in this situation may be gearing up to enjoy the extra time, privacy, and space that accompanies this kind of change, it's very common for couples to also experience simultaneous feelings of anxiety, doubt, and even some dread around wondering what happens next in the relationship when the kids are out of the house.
When a couple welcomes children into the world, the whole family dynamic is inherently changed to revolve around the responsibilities of parenthood. Unresolved challenges in the relationship may get buried and only emerge when the kids are gone. The resurfacing of these long-dormant yet surprisingly familiar issues can be blindsiding and disorienting!
For example, Kara and Steve had dated in college and gotten married young. When they began to settle into their lives after their lovely wedding, they realized that although they enjoyed each other's company and were genuinely attracted to each other they didn't have many shared interests. Kara loved playing tennis and golf, traveling, being social, and making new friends, while Steve really felt happiest at home watching baseball, following the stock market, and mostly keeping in touch with his brothers and a handful of close friends from school.
Although they found that they didn't enjoy many of the same things, they were both committed to starting a family. The demands of parenting turned out to suit them both to a tea, as Kara found plenty of opportunities to socialize with the parents of other children and stay active with the kids while Steve enjoyed being at home in his element and investing time into building great relationships with his children.
When their youngest child left home for college, however, those same opposing personality traits remerged. After a few solid months of escalating tension and nightly hour-long arguments over whether to go out to dinner or cook something at home, they eventually decided to meet with a marriage counselor for guidance on how to get to a place where they could both get what they needed out of the life they had built together.
If this kind of situation sounds at all familiar, then you may benefit from keeping these helpful tips in mind:
-In the wake of all the energy that you have spent on raising your children, you may want to consider ways that you can redirect some of that focus back onto your partner. Most parents have had their fill of sitting through long dance recitals, blistering hot athletic events, and chaperoning field trips. In the long run, you won't regret trying to learn about one of your spouse's interests, as unappealing as it may seem at first, and join with them in sharing at least a few conversations a week about what they're into.
-Retrace your steps. Go through old photos together and reminisce about the things you enjoyed together before children. Then, go out and try partaking in a few of those things again. This can be very romantic, and often hilarious!
-Try doing something together that neither one of you has done before. Work on building new interests as a couple. Research has shown that relationships are strengthened through shared meaning. How about taking a cooking class together or a dance class? You may even want to get out of your comfort zone and do something a little risky such as skydiving to bring even more excitement into your relationship!
-Identify recurring arguments when they arise and try to actively agree to disagree and move on. In the grand course of a major relationship, some conflicts just don't need to get entirely resolved. Remember that your current life situations may be the result of choices you've made in the past, but you can always move on together and make different choices for the future.
-Cut yourselves some slack as a couple. Your union has already been incredibly successful if you were able to manage to send your children off into the world!
Remember that it's totally natural to hit a few bumps in the road during major life changes. If you and your spouse are having a difficult time, there are always qualified professionals available to help you through it.
Call us at Modern Family Counseling at 732-742-0329 for more information about our services or to schedule an appointment with our therapists!