Do you feel that your teen wants nothing to do with you? When you talk to her/him does she/he respond with an attitude? Does everything you say or do seem to annoy or embarrass her/him? If the answers to any of these questions is 'yes' then you are not alone. Many parents are dealing with their teen's raging hormones and their desire for independence.
Shannon, a single mom was yet again amidst another argument with her 13-year-old daughter Maggie, over her unclean room despite Shannon's millions of reminders. At first, Shannon treated it as just another fight, where Maggie would eventually pick up her room and they would move on from the quarrel. But then Maggie said those three words that cut Shannon deeper than any other: "I hate you". A year ago Shannon wouldn't have taken those words seriously because she knew her daughter loved her. But, during the past year, everything changed and Shannon wasn't sure how her daughter felt about her.
Maggie no longer talks to her mom like she used to and they sit at the dinner table in silence. Maggie spends most of her time in her room and seems to avoid her like the plague. Shannon feels Maggie is critical about everything she says and does...the shirt she's wearing, the questions she asks, and even the way she breathes! When Shannon says goodnight, Maggie doesn't even respond. Maggie didn't even acknowledge her mom's birthday this year. She even told her mom that she can't wait to go away to college so she doesn't have to see her. Does Shannon wonder what happened to the sweet girl who gave her hugs and kisses and handmade heartfelt birthday cards?
Due to Maggie's distancing behavior over the last year and then hearing the words "I hate you" coming out from someone you love and care for was more than Shannon could stomach. If you are experiencing a similar situation with your teen then you probably feel worried about your relationship with your her/him. You might feel confused about how best to respond. And above all, you just feel hurt. All you want is to bond and get along with your child, but for some reason, they've been pushing back like never before. So, how in the world do you adjust?
1.Relax
Understand that this occurrence is completely normal and happens to plenty of families across the nation. Easier said than done, but try not to take it personally. Your teen's behavior is not a true indication of their real feelings. It is very likely that they are experiencing all sorts of conflicting emotions which is all part of the teenage brain and hormonal changes. They may have difficulty coping with these feelings and therefore displace those feelings onto you.
2. Put yourself in their shoes
It's important to try and see their perspective to understand where they are coming from. Look beyond what they are actually saying. What is really behind those hurtful words? Let them know you get what they're saying and want them to be happy. You could try and learn about what they are going through to understand what would make them say and do such hurtful things. When teens are emotionally reactive they are not thinking about the way their words would affect you. Understanding these reasons and keeping it in perspective will help you deal with it in a neutral way the next time they say hurtful things.
3. Act Logically, Not Emotionally
Treat this tumultuous period in their lives (and yours!) as a basis to guide them through adversity. You are the adult and have a responsibility to be level-headed while acting based on logic instead of emotions. Keep in mind that they don't actually hate you. It is likely a defense mechanism used to deflect from the other things going on in their life. When a teenager becomes stressed, angry, or uncertain, they are seeking security. They need to trust you to remain strong for them. The way to do that is not to let them get under your skin and yell at them. Tell yourself that you are going to be the calm one because my kid can't do it right now. If your teen triggers you to a point where you are having difficulty controlling your emotions, don't engage. Tell your son/daughter that you need a few minutes and go for a walk, take some deep breaths, or make some tea. Do whatever it takes to relax and calm down.
4. Save Your Energy
Try not to get too caught up in the small things like their room not being perfectly kept or their dishes being left at the table. If your teen rolls their eyes, stomps up the stairs, slams their bedroom door, think about letting that go. While you shouldn't let your child run free, not everything is worth an argument, so pick your battles. It is important for you to learn what is and what isn't worth the argument. Parents who react to every minor provocation signals to a teen that they have the power to destroy their parent's day.
5. Discipline and consequences
If your teen becomes too disrespectful (e.g. cursing at you, calling you names or damaging property) then it is time to draw the line in the sand. They need to know that this behavior is not ok and that you won't tolerate it. Calmly tell them that they are free to be angry or frustrated but to be rude and/or abusive is unacceptable. Enforce the rules you have set and when necessary set consequences.
6. Pretend They Are a Cat
For those of you who have a cat, you know that many times whenever you approach them they run away. When they approach you they are ready to be nurtured. So treat your teenager as you would a cat. Be available to them when they are ready. Even if you sit in the same room and there is silence it is important to remain in a non- anxious state. Eventually, your teen may surprise you and utter a few words.
7. Respect Your Teen's Boundaries
Teenagers may not want to share with you the details of their day, especially if it was a bad one. They don't want to relive it again at home. They need some downtime and will very often retreat to their room. Meet your teens where they are at and respect their choice not to share. Let them know you are there for them if and when they are ready.
8. Show An Interest In Their Interests
Not every conversation needs to be personal. In fact, talking about something that they are interested in (even if you're not) is a good way to get them to open up and spark a conversation. For. e.g. let's say your 16-year-old son is really into politics and you don't even know who the Vice President is! You may want to educate yourself by reading the news headlines every day... this could lead to an interesting discussion with your son. Besides, you should really know who the Vice President is... lol!!
9. Self Care
You can't take care of your children effectively if you don't take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and exercising. You may consider taking a yoga class or meditate. There is such a strong mind/body connection and this will help regulate your own emotions so that you will be calmer with your teenager. It may also be helpful to confide in a friend, your partner, or another trusted adult about your issues with your teen in order to ease your mind. Being around people who can reassure you that your shirt looks amazing and that you are a beautiful and lovable person will help validate your self-worth.
10. Know That This Phase Will Pass
After teenagers feel they have established themselves as individuals in this world (which could last unfortunately until their early to mid-twenties) they become closer with their parents again and don't see them as the enemy. Research has shown that it could take that long for their brains to evolve and therefore they are better able to regulate their emotions and have more empathy. Mark Twain's famous quote on adolescence is so relatable: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in the last seven years."
By taking care of yourself and keeping your composure, you have the ability to create a safe space for you and your child to figure things out calmly. At the end of the day, you love your child and your child loves you, even if they don't say so themselves.
If you need help navigating your teen's "allergic" reaction to you, we are always here to help.
Contact
Risa Simpson-Davis, LCSW
Modern Family Counseling
(732)742-0329