Connecting with your teenage kids is sometimes difficult but it can be especially challenging during the holidays. Thanksgiving is a time to have an attitude of gratitude but that's not the attitude we get from our unenthusiastic and eye-rolling and teens.
The holidays "should" be the happiest time of the year, filled with good food, family, and friends. For some of us, though, it isn't always easy to enjoy the holidays as we hope to. It could be due to the stress of planning big events, giving the right gifts, or wondering how to have fun at family gatherings. A moody teen on top of everything else can make it even more challenging.
For Sharon, times like these are filled with anxiety because she feels like she has to tip-toe around her teenage daughter, Victoria. Every year since was little, Victoria helped her make mashed potatoes for their family's Thanksgiving dinner. Lately, the two haven't been getting along as they used to. Victoria's mood has been unpredictable, and Sharon fears that making one wrong move could throw off the positive overture that Thanksgiving brings. In her eyes, asking her to help with the mashed potatoes could either end well or completely blow up as an argument.
Due to Victoria's already erratic behavior, navigating how Sharon should go about spending time with her over the holidays can be a struggle. If you are experiencing a similar situation with your teen, then you may be worried about how to keep your teenager happy during the holiday season. You may feel confused about how to include them in fun family traditions, without treating them like a toddler.
Below are some helpful tips to enjoy this Thanksgiving with teenagers:
1. Assign them an important role and make a big deal out of it.
Giving your teen an important responsibility, such as setting the table or running a fun family game like a small raffle can be beneficial because it helps teens feel included. Be careful how you phrase it though. If not present the right way, they may view these roles as a chore. Make it sound exciting by stressing that it's something you need help with and that you trust them with the responsibility of handling it. If possible, try to make it something they would enjoy doing. For example, if they are artistic perhaps they can make a centerpiece or placemats for the table. Or if they like to cook, they can have their own dish to be responsible for. This way, they could have something fun to look forward to that also gives them a sense of importance.
2. Be realistic
Although having an important responsibility could make our teens feel important, they may still act sour about it. Don't expect them to be outwardly excited over roles they are given, but know that underneath the mood swings they still appreciate the attention and inclusion in traditions or helping out. The one expectation that you can have, however, is for them to be respectful of you and the rest of your family members. Remind them beforehand what behavior is and is not acceptable so that you can hold them accountable if they act outside of these boundaries.
3. Conversation starters
To keep everyone (including your teen) upbeat, perhaps you can come up with fun conversation starters beforehand and ask your child to help. It could be fun to make a jar full of conversation topics or fun questions on small slips of paper to pass around the dinner table to spice things up and keep the conversation light between everyone. This will also give you a chance to have some bonding time with your teen and give them something fun to look forward to during dinner.
4. Offer to make their favorite dish
Try offering to make your teen's favorite dish and add it to the menu. Once again, this will give them something to look forward to and it will also make them feel appreciated and thought about by you. If they like to cook, perhaps they could even help you make it.
5. Find a balance between treating them like a child and an adult
Teenagers are moody for many reasons, one of them is having to navigate the 'in-between' stage of adult and childhood. If your family separates children and adults by the table, ask your teen where they would like to sit. If they don't have many siblings, cousins, or friends there that are their age they may prefer to sit with the adults. Then again, some teens may be bored at that table. They may prefer to sit at the children's' table and enjoy the younger kids looking up to them. Giving them a choice shows them that you respect their feelings.
6. Plan an activity that interests them
Sitting around the table the whole night maybe something fun for us, but that can often get boring for children, including teenagers. Planning to do fun activities like board games, lawn games, cards, etc. could be a fun way to spice things up this Thanksgiving, giving some more physical/mental activity that both your teenager and your guests may enjoy. If your teen has a special talent such as singing or playing an instrument then give them the opportunity to show off. They will love putting on a show and your guests will get free entertainment!
7. Remember: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink
If you can say you genuinely tried everything to make it an easygoing and fun event for your child yet they still refused to keep a smile, the blame doesn't fall on you. It's important to recognize that sometimes there are other things going on inside your teen's brain that maybe they have to figure out within themselves. It can be tough seeing your child bored or moody at events that are meant to be fun, but all you can do is give them the tools necessary to make the event fun for them. This still does not make being disrespectful to you or other relatives acceptable. Remember, you want to enjoy the holiday too, which means you sometimes need to detach from your teen's feelings and behaviors. Instead, focus on your guests and what you are thankful for…including your moody teenager!
Keeping these few tips in mind, Thanksgiving has the potential to be about being grateful, instead of being stressful.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Risa Simpson-Davis, LCSW
Modern Family Counseling
www.modernfamilycounseling.org
(732) 742-0329