It's that time... the most wonderful time of the year! Twinkling lights are being hung up, holiday cookies are in the oven, and gifts are being wrapped for family gatherings. You love the holidays but unfortunately, your spouse doesn't share the same Christmas joy! You can't wait to decorate the tree but your spouse feels it's too much work and would rather work on Christmas day. You find yourselves bickering over spending money on gifts and your spouse is turning down the Christmas music when you are in the car. It is such a damper on your mood! All of the holiday stress and bickering can really make people forget what is important during the holiday season.
Mark and Christina started spending the holidays together before they were married. The first time they spent the holidays together, they started to notice their differences in the way they celebrate them. Christina thought the experience of spending the holidays at Mark's house was odd. There was a tiny tree that was barely decorated, and small presents that were given out. Aside from the dimly lit tree, you wouldn't even know it was Christmas. Christina's house on the other hand was the most festive house on the block. Her family made a huge deal out of Christmas. Her father dresses up as Santa and Christmas music plays all throughout the house.
After several years of marriage, the holidays are still a disappointment for Christina when she spends it at her in-laws. Every year Mark and Christina fight about where to spend the holidays. Mark would rather work on Christmas while Christina wants to spend it with her family. Christina does not want to spend it with her in-laws who give homemade jars of jelly as gifts. Mark does not want to spend it with his in-laws who sip champagne and eat ham. Christina does not understand why her husband is so resistant to enjoy the holidays. Mark is stressed about budgeting money and making Christina happy. Mark gets so angry at Christina when she comes home with designer handbags for her nieces and decorations for the house. Mark feels that Christina's spending is so impractical!
There is so much pressure to meet certain expectations of the holiday season. It is important for couples to be grateful for what they do have. Couples should avoid forcing their spouse to think a certain way. Mark has a different perspective on the holidays than Christina. Neither one is right or wrong, it is just different. Christina cannot make her husband enjoy Christmas music. Mark cannot make Christina stop putting out the Christmas decorations. Christina needs to accept her husband's perspective of the holiday traditions as different from her own. When you start to accept your spouse's differences, you begin recognizing what is truly important to you.
Create new traditions together! If you both approach the holidays differently, create a holiday schedule. Ask your spouse what they would like to do over the holidays. Brainstorm new traditions, even if it means making the holidays smaller in some ways or bigger in another. Keep the focus where it should be! It is key to not push your spouse away during the holiday season and therefore having open discussions with your spouse is beneficial. Check-in with each other regularly to see where you are both at. You want to enjoy the holidays deeply and fully and with each other.
It is no secret that the holiday season can be stressful. If you feel that you and your spouse may need some help around the holidays, we are always here to help.
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Modern Family Counseling
(732) 742-0329